My Goals For 2014

Each year people make resolutions for the New Year. This year I am going to give you my goal list. We will see at the end of the year how much of this gets done. Here we go!

Personal goals

To find stable housing – Living where I do is detrimental to not only regaining my physical well being but my sense of self and belonging as well. Being where I am stinks, but it sure beats the alternative of being where I was clearly not wanted and not cared about.

To regain my health – Being hit by a car will teach you a few things. The first thing you will learn is what matters and what doesn’t. The next thing you will learn is that you need new coping mechanisms to survive. This can be easier said than done. My biggest goal is to live within my limits while continuing to get better.

To not live in fear – The past year has been one tough lesson after another. Several relationships have fallen by the wayside. My biggest goal is to not be afraid to live, love and laugh this year. I am terrified of being wrong yet again and being hurt in the process. I could lock away all of my feelings and never hurt again but what would I learn then? This is my big challenge this year. To learn to live, love and laugh without any hope of reciprocation.

Professional goals

Daily writing - This year, my goal is to continue my fiction writing. This means doing what needs to be done to accomplish this. One way or another, I will have a complete fictional work done by the time it is my birthday. August may seem far away, but I need a deadline if I ever hope to meet my goal of being a published author.

Greater commitment to social networks – For the past few years, I have not had the same presence online that I once did. My goal for this year is to change that. Bit by bit, I will regain my online presence. My Facebook will be more about close friends while my Twitter and Google+ will be about my writing. I will also get on LinkedIn again and a few other networks.

I will build a safety net – A few years ago, I lost touch with folks who could help push me along and hold me accountable. This needs to change. My goal for this year is to rebuild relationships where I can learn. Doing things by myself is great, but so is knowing when I need help.

Those are my main goals for 2014. Above all else, my main goal is to be myself and to learn that being me doesn’t suck.

What about you? Do you have goals for 2014?

A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

Let’s face facts – at one time in our lives, we have all been fooled by someone. To be fair, those who fool us may not even realize how many lies they are telling. Some people are incapable of telling the truth no matter how easy it may be.

There are other people who simply are born with no morals at all. They care very little about who they hurt as long as their needs are being met. It matters not what you have, or how pretty or ugly a person might be. To these individuals, all people are is a simple means to an end. All they want is someone to make their ego happy. All that is needed is your constant attention and validation. Love has nothing at all to do with this.

This person is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. At first they pretend to love you. This is an act. Essentially, you have been cast as their romantic lead, their foil, or even their sidekick who simply does the other person’s bidding. Fall into this trap and risk losing not only yourself, but your moral compass, your sense of ethics and your self-worth.

The trouble is simple – these people tell us exactly what we long to hear. Perhaps they are telling us words we have not heard in years. Everything seems wonderful when we are with them. They think every single thing we do is perfect. This lasts a few months. Then reality sets in. The wolf has us right where they want us. When we feel secure and protected, then it is too late.

That cute sheep transforms into a wolf right before our eyes. At first we are blind to it. Then little things become bigger things. Disagreements become power driven fights. Yelling becomes the rule rather than the exception. Unrealistic demands get made on an almost daily basis. The person who has been fooled wonders what exactly they did wrong. Many times by now, that person is too ashamed to go to family or friends for help. Who would believe them? Their other half seems so perfect in every way.

Are they? Or were they out for themselves the whole time?

Remember folks, when you hear the phrase “I would not use you.” or “I just need my space.” or my personal favorite line of shit “I miss you.” Run like hell! Do not look back. Please do not look back. If you do, I bet you that you will not see a sheep.

What you will see is a wolf.

The Opposite Of Love

The worst part about confronting someone who does not love you as much as you love them is simple – no matter what you do it is going to hurt. There may be no worse feeling in the world than loving someone who does not love you back. This past weekend, I went to see someone who I still loved to say goodbye to him. To say I was treated with indifference would be an understatement. Thinking back, it would have been easier if emotion of any type would have been displayed. Even anger would have been better than indifference.

They say the opposite of love is not hatred, it is indifference.

Thinking back on this relationship, I realized that all I wanted was to be loved. For that simple need, I was willing to go to the ends of the earth humiliating myself. There was no price too high for me. The desire to feel accepted outweighed my own inner voice and common sense. I knew things were wrong, yet I refused to see things in the cold light of day. Denial became a way of life for me. It became easier to make excuses than to confront him about how poorly he was treating me. Crying myself to sleep became the norm and not the exception. Not only were my tears resented, I was made to feel worse because of them.

Yet I wanted this person to love me. Why was that exactly?

This is a tough question to answer. The main reason is of course because I felt unworthy of love. I always wanted a happy home life and have never had one. There is a part of me that has been so badly damaged that is afraid to love someone for the right reasons. Shameful as it may sound, there is a huge part of me that fears love terribly. This latest episode has taught me once again that love is something to fear, not embrace. The only positive that can be drawn from the whole situation is the knowledge that I do deserve better than what I was given.

I will not accept anything less ever again.

What about you? Have you ever loved the wrong person?

No More Blaming Myself

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

This is nonsense. A normal functioning, happy relationship thrives on both parties freely admitting fault when something goes awry. The major problems often come when others will not only not admit their flaws, but attempt to blame others for the things they do. There are many times I have to look at something a few times before realizing how wrong I was.

When I realize the fault is mine I can do something. I can change my behavior or attitude. I also may start looking at things in a different light. I know for a fact I cannot be right about everything try as I may. I can however, treat myself with respect and walk away from anyone who is not right for me. There will always be those instances where we do not realize at first that a person is not right for us. Once we are able to see clearly, it is up to us to make a change. It is our fault if we choose to accept poor treatment from someone. That is on us, not on them. The person doing harm thinks only of themselves. Trust me, they are not thinking about you or how much this hurts you. All they care about is what they want.

The days of blaming myself for someone else’s poor behavior are over. The buck stops here. No more blaming myself. There are things that are my fault and other things that are not. Learning the difference and knowing when to cut ties with a toxic person is the difference many times between happiness and misery. The problem is that I always seemed to blame myself even for things that were not my fault. Those days have got to end. No more blaming myself for things I did not do. This is actually tough for me. It is so much easier for me to take the blame than stand up for myself.

Many times I have made excuses for poor treatment feeling that I deserved to be treated poorly. These days are over. Time and time again, it has come to my attention that not only am I not wrong, I am not to blame. The time has come to stop allowing others to walk all over me. No more blaming myself for someone else’s faults. It is now time to let others be accountable for the harm they cause. If that means removing them from my life then so be it.

What about you? Have you been guilty of blaming yourself for things that were not your fault?

This Is Bullshit!

Many of us deal with more bullshit in a day than we really need to. For many of us, we deal with personal problems, health issues, relationship troubles or all three. How we deal with these things is up to us of course.

There are always some issues that can be worked on. For myself, I can learn to speak up faster when I encounter total bullshit. I can make excuses for poor behavior all I want, but when it comes down to brass tacks, who am I kidding me or you?

If I want to be treated properly, I have to make myself my priority. This does not mean treating others poorly. In fact, it means the opposite. It means that I respect myself enough to not allow anyone to treat me with anything less than respect. There are many people who do not deserve to be treated badly who think this is all they deserve. They think they would rather be in a shitty relationship than be alone.

This is bullshit!

When you are sitting around waiting for someone to reply to your messages, do you make excuses for them, or do you get pissed off after a while?

I used to be one of those folks who kept saying “Oh they are just really busy.” The person in question may or may not be doing anything wrong, but how does it make you feel to be ignored? Do you like that? Does it hurt when you send someone a message and you hear nothing? Not even “Fuck you” as a reply so you could know where you stand?

Most people hate being ignored or feeling unimportant. The worst thing someone can do to me is pretend I do not exist. That hurts even worse than being angry at me. I can at least fix the problem if I know what caused it. Life is about learning to relate to one another even in hard situations. Even when you are tired and worked all day. Is it too much to ask to have someone show you that you matter to them?

Of course not. This is what we do when we love someone. We treat them how we want to be treated, with kindness and respect.

What if we are not being treated that way? What if we haven’t done anything wrong but are constantly ignored?

That my friend, is bullshit!

What do you say? How much bullshit do you put up with?

My Christmas Wish

This time of year is hard for many folks. When I was a kid, I used to write letters to Santa asking for new Barbie dolls and more books. As I got older I wanted albums. Now as a grown woman, all I want for Christmas is to be happy. That is really all I want.

My biggest wish in life has always been to be successful and to have a happy home life. On many years, it seems I get one but not the other. If I have learned nothing else this past year, I have learned that love is the one thing I cannot do without. Romantic love is great. Without it, life loses color and meaning. There are other types of love that are just as important to me. There is the love I have for my boy. I miss him more and more each day. Some nights I go to bed and cry because I miss him with every fiber of my being. There is the love I have for my friends.

My friends have kept me sane. When you get hit by a car and your world flips upside down, you will find out who truly has your back. Sadly enough, you will also find out who never gave a shit about you. Those situations cut both ways. There is no getting around that.

Last year was the worst Christmas ever. I cooked food that no one ate. There were no gifts, and worst of all, there was no happiness. All I could do was wish the day was over.

Christmas is not about getting things from people. It is about spending time with those who matter. Last year, I got no visits. I spent the holiday alone with a highly abusive person. No wonder Christmas sucked. There was no tree, no cookies, nothing. All I could do was wish I was in Jersey with my boy. I felt utterly alone.

This year, all I want for Christmas is simple – I want to know I am loved. I don’t want to spend the holiday walking on eggshells.

What can someone do if they don’t have a ton of money? Simple. Visit a friend. Let them know you care. Take them out even for just a few hours so they don’t have to be alone. Do something unexpected for someone. Trust me, the good you do will come back to you tenfold.

The New Normal

This morning I had to sit and tell a psychologist all of my problems. My anger, irritability, depression, insomnia, all of it. I had to tell her that I have never been this way before. Sure, I went to a therapist when my beloved dad passed away, but he dealt with grief issues. I have never needed to take anything to help my mood – ever. Part of me feels like a failure for having to do so mow at age 45. There is a larger part of me that knows this condition is not here to stay, it is simply part of “the new normal” that I have to learn to adapt to.

Being hit by a car ruined my life in many ways. In other ways, it has forced me to take stock of myself. If there was a choice, I never would have been hit in the first place. Going to doctor after doctor, rehashing my history time after time is inconvenient at best, aggravating at worst. The really difficult part is that I have no short term memory. Things that do not get written down do not happen. Texting me something works only about half the time. I have come to realize that I have to carry a notepad and pen with me at all times.

I have also learned that my fuse is now non-existent. I have no filter now. This is part of having post concussive syndrome a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

So, part of my new normal is knowing what I can deal with and what I cannot. Being honest with doctors and all the other specialists that I see helps. What also helps is that they tell me that what I am going through is normal. There are ways of coping. I am starting to learn them.

One of my biggest coping techniques is to go for walks when I get angry. The other one is to read. Getting back to my blog is my other big outlet. I only have a few friends, so socializing is not always an option. The hardest part about getting to my new state of normal is accepting the new me. I keep remembering a time when I could do several things at once, when I remembered everything I was told and could get tons done without breaking a sweat.

Those days are over.

When I get down about this, I have to remember that one of the doctors told me that accident could have been fatal. I cannot afford another blow to the head because of my fractured skull. Life is precious. Each day that I get up, I have to thank the universe I am still here adjusting to the “new normal.”