You’re Just Not My Type

Yesterday, I was reading my friend Bill Dorman’s blog. He has Erin Feldman there guest posting and her post was about rejection. Here is my take on romantic rejection. I hope you enjoy it.

“You are a great friend, but not a girlfriend”
“You’re too good for me”
“You would make a great wife, but not my wife.”

All of these rejections hurt. Rejection sucks, and there is no way to make it not suck. If I had a dollar for every time that I was told I was “cute, but not for me” I would have my rent paid.

I have never taken rejection all that well, and romantic rejection stings even worse. It feels as though they are rejecting my very essence. The longer I am in a relationship, the worse it hurts. I have been especially unfortunate in the breakup area. I had a recent long term relationship end over the phone.

Because he did not have the balls to do it in person. I could not handle that breakup, and unfortunately it took me years to get over him. I was so madly in love with him that when he did end things with me, I went into denial and then into depression.

I tried to be friends with him but that only made matters worse. All it did was leave me confused and in terrible emotional pain. I do not suggest being friends with an ex. It can work sometimes, but my experience has shown me that it does not.

When I do get rejected, I can handle it better if it comes sooner rather than later. If the man in question is mature about it, I am less likely to view myself as a total failure. I have had breakups where I did bounce back fairly easily, and without exception those men handled things with grace and tact. Those who keep you around out of convenience are cowards plain and simple.

If all else fails, I turn on the music and get some Ben and Jerry’s. That always helps me cope with rejection.

How do you cope with romantic rejection?

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17 thoughts on “You’re Just Not My Type

  1. eHarmony.com; I just go out and find another one………….

    Romantic rejection is the hardest by far because it is personal. Since I have been married for 28+ years the rejection is more of the “I have a headache” type of rejection but I do recall 2 particular ones that stung pretty bad. And it must have if I’m still talking about them 30 yrs later, huh?

    My MO was to just skulk around and wallow in the ‘woe is me’ feeling for awhile. I would try to put on the happy face but would be dying inside. One of the break-ups was especially awkward because we hung around the same people. Every time I would go out we would run into each other. I’m trying to act all cool and aloof like it didn’t bother me, but it would just eat at my gut.

    In hindsight, it is easier for me to see why it didn’t work and part of the reason I wasn’t very mature acting in terms of relationships; I was never the person who could date two people at once and couldn’t understand it when the girls still wanted to.

    All I can say is I never coped with romantic rejection well because I did take it so personal. The only suggestion I could offer is to stay busy and make yourself reach out to others. The other of course would be time as it eventually will get better.

    Thanks for sharing this and your kind words; I will call you out when necessary however…………:)

    • Hey Bill,

      That hard breakup we also had the same friends. I saw him out and about and worse, I would get calls from my friends telling me what he was up to. I had to tell them to stop telling me what he was doing.

      I took it all way too personally and that is what killed me. It is personal, but it means only that I have not found that “right person” yet.

      As far as the Mrs. goes, you are on your own amigo! :)

      Call me out whenever you need me. Maybe I need a “Nancy signal”

  2. All I can say is Thank goodness they all rejected me! My life would be a nightmare right now if I ended up with any of them! But at the time the nightmare WAS the rejection. I wish someone had explained to me that attraction wasn’t enough, caring wasn’t enough, and shared interests and values wasn’t enough. It would take commitment from someone with all of the above to make it work with ME. And they’d have to accept me just the way I was.And me them!

    • That is the whole issue right there. Rejection does feel like a nightmare. At that time it can seem like the end of the world. I remember being 23 and engaged to someone and they dumped me (over the phone – another one!) and I cried and cried. I could hardly breathe, sleep, eat etc…Fast forward to a few years ago and I see him at the grocery store. He looked terrible. He is miserable and hates his life. He did me a favor and did not even realize it.

  3. I think that romantic rejection can happen even while you are still in the relationship. I was with someone who, when I put myself out there, didn’t give me anything in return. I call that rejection and it hurt like crazy! And what did I do? I would build a wall and then I would even try again, months or weeks later thinking that it wouldn’t hurt as much if I didn’t get what I wanted because I expected not to. What is it? Hope for the best, but expect the worst? After many conversations about it, I finally had to face the fact that I can’t be with someone who is unemotional and can’t express their feelings. To get over it, I started to believe that there is someone else out there willing to give me what I need and I can return the favor as well. The hardest part about it was knowing that he was such a great man, but missing the one of the major components that I need in order to feel like I am in a relationship that means something.

    • i really do know what that is like, and that is just as bad. So now at least you know what you don’t want in a relationship. Knowing that gets you closer to what you do want. Please let us know how that goes Julia. I relate very much to that struggle.

  4. Hey Nancy,

    Romantic rejections are just plain nasty at times. I remember one of my friends being dumped because she was “weird different”. Yes, those were the guy’s exact words.

    In Asia, we have the concept of arranged marriages. So, normally before making an alliance, the guys and girls family meet each other to find things and work on compatibility and all before going ahead with the marriage. So, during the entire process, either one family or the girl or the guy themselves might reject the proposal or the whole thing for many reasons. Now this can get a little awkward, like the girl is usually rejected for her looks – too dark, too short, fat, funny nose and the guy may be rejected on things such as bad job, bad hair or stuff like that. So, rejections of such kind can get very hurtful and also a little embarrassing to deal with.

    • Weird different? Really? I hope he is Mr. Perfect or he will be forever finding fault with everyone and everything. I feel for your friend What a rotten thing to say to someone. Why not just say “you are just not right for me” and leave it at that?

      I can’t imagine an arranged marriage. I would rather be rejected for my love of all things 70s than not being pretty enough. I could never tolerate that!

  5. Nancy, I don’t think we are supposed to cope with romantic rejection. At least there is no magic formula.

    Just before Christmas 1987 I too was dumped over the telephone. She didn’t have the cojones (unsurpisingly) but I was in love and I never saw it coming. It was like being hit by a train.

    It took a long time to put myself back together. I have a life now I wouldn’t have had if what I hoped for up to the rejection had happened. Glossing over the intervening period I will have been married ten years in three weeks time, and i wouldn’t change anything now. I couldn’t anyway. We just get on with it. But back in ’87 and the next couple of years I thought the world had ended.

    • Jon,

      I relate so much to that last sentence. “I thought the world had ended:”That is how I felt when my relationship ended and for the longest time I could not get over him because i kept holding out hope that he loved me. I was the biggest fool on the face of the earth for that man, and he milked it too. Finally, I saw him for who and what he was, and the spell was finally broken. A few months later I met someone and began to see life without him as not only a possibility but a reality. I do not have the happy ending (yet!) but it is coming…

  6. I haven’t had to deal with a whole lot of romantic rejection. It’s only been in the past two years or so that I started to get interested in having a relationship with a guy. Before that, I didn’t care all that much. I was busy with school and work and figuring out who I was.

    That being said, I’m feeling rejected lately. I thought I had something with this guy, even though we weren’t officially dating or anything like that. Things seemed fine until a few weeks ago when he stopped “liking” me. I’m not handling it very well. He’s one of the few people who “gets” me. He’s also one of the few guys I don’t feel like throttling within fifteen seconds. :D

    I’ve been trying to cope with that by keeping myself extra busy. It doesn’t work all that well. I still get teary at random times during the day. I guess it’s a good thing I work from home most days. Nobody can see me devolve into an emotional mess.

    • When I have days where I feel like crying at random times I get tissues and depressing music on and cry it all out. I get rid of all of it. Then I am good for a day or so, until something else triggers me.

      True story, I was waiting to get my nails done and was just getting over yet another “no warning” breakup and on the radio comes “Open Arms” by Journey. I ran out of there crying and went hone and screamed/cried until I was done. It took a while, but now I can say that I am over all of that and much happier. :)

  7. In the past when it happened I made a point to stay busy and to send them pictures of their cat being placed in a bag and thrown in the river. No, I never did any of that, wanted to but mostly ‘cuz I don’t like cats.

    I am allergic to those fur balls and they just make me sneeze.

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