This past week I was surfing some blogs, and came upon Danny Brown’s free blog topic list. I looked over the list and picked two – the second one will come later in the week.
Dear Younger Nancy,
Right now, you are nineteen and think you know everything. I am you at age 43. I am here to tell you that if you don’t change, you are in for a hard life. I hope I can help you avoid some of the pain and suffering you are going to go through, but you know everything already so you may not listen to me.
Don’t get married
You are nineteen and marrying the first man you ever dated? This is pretty insane. You are both too young and too immature to make this work. Marriage is a serious commitment. If you still love him and feel like marrying him in two years, then fine. This will end very badly for you. There are other ways out of mom and dad’s house. You know that right? You could get a better job, or go to college and get an education. Do not get married. Save yourself the heartache.
Put that bottle down
You drink way too much for someone so young. What are you trying to drown? A bad childhood? The abuse you suffered? Self-hatred? It doesn’t go away. It gets quiet for a bit but it comes back and is always worse. Stuffing your feelings and silencing them with a sea of alcohol is making you into a ticking time bomb. Ease up on the booze. Life does not suck nearly as bad as you think. Leave the alcohol alone and face your feelings. I promise it won’t be as bad as you think.
It is not all about you
The world does not revolve around you. It never did, and it never will. The sooner you accept that fact, the better off you will be. I know you think every detail of everyone’s day is centered around how to piss you off, but life does not work like that. People have their own agendas, and most times they are not even thinking of you. Try this instead: get into the habit of assuming things are not about you unless you are told otherwise. People who think everything is about them do not get very far in life because they have no friends. You alienate those closest to you with your arrogance. Trust me Nancy, life will be better and easier if it is not about you all of the time.
Go after your goals
If you put the bottle down, you will have time to go on auditions and open mikes. You are funny and you always wanted to be a stand up comic. Why are you not doing it? Why are you satisfied to stay in one theatre group where they won’t let you act? Get up on stage and do something! You grew up wanting to be an actor, or a talk show host. If you don’t go after these dreams they will die. When you lose your dreams, you lose yourself. Don’t let that happen.
I hope you listen to me. I hope that you learn that you are a wonderful person and that you have a lot to offer. I hope that you grow up to see the world as a limitless horizon, not a limiting prison. I truly hope that you do not end up in an abusive marriage thinking a bad relationship is better than no relationship.
As a side note, to me at age 38 – when you meet a blonde haired, blue eyed attorney at a party – run like hell in the other direction!
What advice would you give your younger you?
That’s a great idea for a post. I might have to follow your lead and write one myself.
I’m curious – did “older” Nancy go on auditions and open mics? Btw, I used to be an actress/director. I don’t do theater professionally any more, but it was a huge part of my life for many, many years. I think it’s added immense value to who/what I am today as well.
Older Nancy has sadly not done any auditions in a long time. I did a few minutes of stand up a few years ago and that was fun. A few years before that I got to MC a Christmas event for underprivileged kids. I stopped acting because now as a single mom, it is just not possible anymore. It definitely gives me something a bit unique to offer in terms of who I am today.
I want to see your letter to your younger you!
I will write it, then!
very moving post Nancy. We all have different backgrounds and struggles. Most of mine were self created self inflicted. They still are. But they often are because I force my self to grow in unusual ways. I was a heavy partier from 15 through 40 mostly for pleasure and mind exploration but occasionally for escapism which isn’t always the best reasons to indulge.
And hindsight is 20/20. I could of stayed in NYC and gone into Banking and been rolling in $$ vs dirt poor right now. But I am not poor. Only my bank account. I could write several books to match Hunter S Thompson and to me that is a richness no money can buy
Our worst problems are almost always self inflicted aren’t they? You are right I am only poor in my bank account too. As my son says all the time as he rests his head on my chest, “we are rich in love Mommy” Indeed we are.
And you really think the 19 year old you would listen to your advice? My guess is, probably not. You really do think you are bulletproof at that age, and nobody can tell you anything.
It’s all called life and hopefully the decisions you make don’t get you (or anyone else) killed or put in jail. Pretty much anything else you can survive if you can allow yourself to be a forward thinker.
Just remember, there is no ‘perfect’ life out there so just do the best you can with what you have and don’t dwell on the ‘what ifs’. You are still very young so don’t let any self-imposed artificial barriers keep you from your dreams.
Indeed I would not have listened. Some did try to talk me out of marriage, but I saw it as a way out of my parent’s house. I agree there is no perfect life, just the doing the best we can with what we have every day.
Hi Nancy,
This is a very interesting post and I used to have thoughts like this all the time. If I could only go back and change those insane decisions I made or if I had just had an ounce of motivation when I was younger.
I can certainly relate to some of the stuff you’ve said here, and I honestly didn’t even start to get my act together until my late 30′s early 40′s. I have you beat my a few years, but it’s never too late to live your dreams, change careers, do what you want to do, discover some hidden passion, etc. To me it looks like you are headed fast and furious in that very positive direction. I’m finally changing some things around and it took me a hell of a long time to figure it out. Making up for lost time? Maybe.
Your 19-year-old self might not have listened so well. Bill is right. But at 43 it looks to me like you’re making all the right decisions and that’s what matters. Here’s to pursuing those dreams and having some fun in the process!
The sad part is that I was too arrogant in my younger days to listen to anything. I have found a way to live out most of my dreams and am working on getting to some of my goals. I wish my 19 year old self would have listened, but Bill is right about that.
I wonder why it takes some of us so long to get our act together?
Some of us are just late bloomers
So, you are saying you have your act together now: that’s not what I hear….:)
You been talking to my wife
[...] they only see grade school. Maybe you often look back and see mistakes and missed opportunities. Like Nancy I’ve looked back, wanting to shake my 19-year-old self. Bad decisions, wasted time, giving up too [...]
I agree most 19 yr olds don’t listen! The decisions we make, good or bad, create who we are now. Would I have done some things differently, maybe. If I did who would I have become?
That is the problem. I would not be the person I am today without all of those bad choices in my life.
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[...] back to the original idea of writing a letter to my younger self. My friends Shonali Burke and Nancy Davis, and Shonali was the first one who encouraged me to write my own take on this for my [...]