This year I have faced some tough challenges and managed to get through them. This challenge may need all of my smarts yet. Friday I received eviction papers in the mail. I have been behind in my rent since October of this year, and now my landlord wants me gone.
Ouch. That stings.
The worst part is, in this economy trying to find a job to pay for this apartment and all of the utilities is not such an easy thing. I could get a job tomorrow at the mall if I wanted, but those jobs pay ten bucks an hour if they pay that. My rent is $1,155.00. Ah, Bergen County, you are so insanely expensive to live in. I want to stay here since my boy is here. If I move, I could wind up with less parenting time, or in a worst case scenario, none at all.
So, I have been pulling myself up from my bootstraps and trying to see what makes the most sense.
I have been helping a friend with some administrative work, but I don’t work enough to make a big enough dent in my rent and pay my bills. I also work for a small internet marketing company and they don’t pay very much at all. I know one thing, I am not going to sit and cry over this. I got myself into this and I will figure a way out of it.
I never want anyone to ever see me as weak or less than a strong woman. I have been living alone since 2007, and I love it. I would not live with someone again unless I had to. The past few days have got me thinking about money, how we spend it, what it means and of course if our self-worth is tied to how much we have. I have been called “not materialistic” for many years now. I guess having things stolen will make you less tied to things. In some ways I guess that is good. I am human and prone to feeling bad just like anyone else. I always want to be self-sufficient. Feeling like I cannot properly care for myself and my son is more humiliating than having to walk down the street in a bra and slip in broad daylight.
Since Friday, I have felt like I am in a Twilight Zone. The landlord came by Saturday and I gave him the $200 that I could give him. I have never felt like such a failure in my whole life. Then my son’s father wants to fight with me about the fact that I let our son walk to school alone. I had enough. Maybe it was getting those papers, maybe not. Instead of cowering, I stood my ground calmly and stated that our son is now 9 years old, and is a big enough boy to walk to school by himself. No discussion.
Maybe this will still have a happy ending. I never liked this apartment anyway. If I don’t find the silver lining in this, I will sit and cry. Feeling sorry for myself does nothing to fix this problem. If I know nothing else about life I know this – I know that problems can be made better, and that no matter what it can always be worse.
Someone today has it worse than I do. My job is to find them and give them some hope so that I can remind myself that everything really is going to be okay no matter what happens.