All Good Things Must End

When I first began this blog, my only hope was to help those who were too afraid to speak up. I wanted to advocate for all people who were abused, and give hope to those who had none.

The time has come for me to say goodbye. This blog will be no more as of today.

There are many reasons behind this. Most of all, I have become too bitter and angry due to recent developments in my life. Those issues, while valid, have no place on this blog. That I have begun to make this blog too much about me is not acceptable. Since I have so much going on, right now I need to take stock and reassess everything.

This decision was not easy to make. I will miss all of you.

I wanted to make a difference, and for a while I think that I did. Then things went too awry in my life. Now, it is up to me to make the necessary changes to lead the life I truly want. I remember when I first started blogging and could not wait to get up and blog again. So much was going on in my head in those days. I will never forget what it was like when other people took my blog seriously.

All good things must end. I wanted this blog to last forever, but it couldn’t. It makes me so sad to walk away from something that I built with so much love, but this good thing must end.

This is the part where I say goodbye. I can hardly see the keyboard through my tears. I love you all and I will miss all of you.

You’re So Vain, I Bet You Think This Post Is About You

Have you ever met someone who thought everything you said or did was about them even when it wasn’t? that sort of vanity can be exhausting to deal with. The real problem lies with not being able to get out of your own head. Vain people as a general rule think that every single song, post or even silence is about them in some way, shape or form.

I have news for you. I rarely, if ever, write about one person. Most times, it is a mixture of experiences.

In my own experience, I have found that when I think others are talking about me, I need to take a few steps back. What I really need is a reality check. I recall one incident in particular that happened a few years ago. I was sure the people I worked with were talking about me. I was so sure that I even went to the office manager to complain.

Imagine my surprise when I found out it had nothing to do with me.

Many days, I think that people are talking about me which may or may not be true. The question I have to ask myself is this – why am I being so vain that I think everything is about me?

In reality, I can be insecure and often used vanity as a cover. This behavior needed to change. Not everything is about me. Realizing life is not always about me has made me more relaxed around others. Not thinking everything written or spoken has to do with me is one of the most freeing feelings I have had in a while.

The most important thing I have had to remember is this – not everything is about me. It never has been and it never will be.

Are you vain? Do you think everything is about you?

Are You A Critic?

What do you gain by tearing down others? Does your ego get a bit larger? Are you the kind of critic who only sees flaws and never sees or mentions the good? This kind of behavior is immature at best and hugely destructive at worst.

This sort of thing helps absolutely no one. All it does is create bitterness.

When I was in high school, I had a tough acting teacher. Once Mr. Taylor found out you were there to really work on comedy and not there to cure shyness he could be brutal. His criticism was harsh at times, but it made me better because in between the critique was often praise. It was his challenges that made me what I became. He was the one who pushed me to audition for the Senior Class play in which I played the funny wiseass friend.

If all he ever did was beat me to death with harsh criticism and zero praise, I would have given up acting then. Because of him, I have been in all kinds of plays.

The point is that it was never all about not knowing what to do. It was about taking direction and making sure I was living up to my ability. There is also a huge difference between acting for a huge crowd and just playing charades in the living room. One may require perfection while the other requires everyone to only have fun.

Nowadays, I look for people in my life who are not in such a hurry to criticize every flaw.

I am not perfect. I am willing to bet money you are not perfect either. When we criticize someone without compassion or critique something that should just be fun we need to take a look at our own insecurities. One of the best things Mr. Taylor did for me was he encouraged me to go to acting school in NYC fresh out of high school. He did talk to me about how to keep myself safe, and he also reminded me that there would always be days where no matter what I did I would be terrible. He then said that there would more than likely be days that I would be great.

Are you offering helpful criticism or are you tearing someone down to make yourself feel better?

Getting Myself Back

So many days I lived without hope in a life that was going nowhere fast. For some reason, I believed all the lies I had been told about being a rotten person, being evil and of course being unloved. It is nobody’s fault but my own that I felt worthless. Since I had no hope, I just went with what everyone else wanted and stopped living by my own moral compass.

That is not the case any longer. Today I have hope again. Things are getting better every single day.

Why did my life go so bad? I made poor choices to be sure, but the biggest reason life went bad is that I forgot myself. I began to let others do the thinking and I took a backseat. What I wanted and needed became an inconvenience. My personal preferences were at best brushed off in favor of what everyone else wanted. I made the awful choice of being less of myself. I got lost in the shuffle. My sense of humor disappeared. I became miserable, bitter and angry. In short, I hated my life.

The worst part was that I no longer recognized myself. I looked in the mirror and a stranger looked back.

There were so many days I wanted to give up. I no longer looked like me. I no longer acted like me. I forgot how to laugh and have fun. Life became an ordeal rather than an adventure.

After realizing my life was mine and no one else’s, I took control of it back

Taking control of my life has not been easy. For far too long I relied on others to do things I did not want to deal with. It has been up to me to get a lot of things done. Want to know something? I have accomplished more in the past two months for myself than I did this past year. The best part about all of this is that doing things by myself for myself has given me back hope.

I had this awful opinion of myself that I could do nothing alone. That has proven to not only be wrong, it held me back.

The best part about having hope back is that I go to bed with a clear conscience. I know what I did during the day to help myself. I also know that life has an interesting way of working out.

For such a long time I felt hopeless. Today I have hope. Life is working out in ways I never expected.

Do you have hope?

You Got a Problem With That?

Many nights I try to go to bed early. I now have insomnia, which is something I have never had before. So, what do I do when I can’t sleep? Well, I get out my notepad and let the muse come. My muse seems to come during my fits of insomnia lately. I guess he figures that since I can’t sleep, I will pay attention to what he says. He knows he has a captive audience. Where am I going to go?

Yeah, my muse is male. He has a Jersey accent too. You got a problem with that?

I don’t write in a bubble. The muse comes to me and brings me all kinds of ideas. I then sleep on them, and most of those ideas turn into blog posts. Some posts totally miss the mark, while others hit the bull’s eye. Writing is not an exact science. The best part of writing is when I lock in and get into that writing zone. For me, that is the real joy of writing.

I was asked about a week ago why do I blog. That is an excellent question.

I blog because my biggest hope is that I can make a difference in someone’s life. It could be a person trying to leave an abusive relationship, or someone who cannot speak up for themselves. If I can reach those people and help them get through a hard time then I have done what I set out to do. I do not blog for vanity, I blog because I have always loved to write and this is my way of giving back, however small as it may be.

As someone who has seen her share of incredibly hard times and not lost hope, I want to be able to help others who may not be as fortunate. I have no money to give to charities, so for me helping out means doing something else rather than giving money. It means reaching out.

The muse helps me make a difference in the world. Jersey accent and all

You got a problem with that?

Letting My Feelings Show

This past month, I have wanted to cry quite a bit. The fact is I have not cried very much at all. To be sure, things have stunk. I have been down, lonely and in terrible pain.

What am I going to do? Cry about it or find ways to feel better?

There are lots of things in my life I wish I could change. That just happens to be tough luck. My new reality is that I try to sleep in a neck brace alone while my back hurts. Crying about it will do nothing to make the situation better. Doing something by myself that is for me will make me feel better mentally if nothing else.

I have to get over my dislike of asking for help. With a physical limitation this is much easier.

I always felt that crying was what weak people did. I have always been everyone’s pillar of strength. How could I cry? How could I let any of my sadness or anger or loneliness out without feeling like a whiny baby?

Crying is a natural reaction to emotional stress and physical pain. If I cried more, I might be happier.

This past weekend, I was nearing a point of losing my patience. I have been in a lot of pain, then I saw a get well card being taken around for someone else. I was in the hospital for four days. I got no cards, no flowers, nothing. Seeing that card for someone else made me cry.

I felt as though I mattered to no one. It did not matter that it was not true. What did matter was how I felt

I am a great one at denying my feelings. I lie all the time about what hurts and what doesn’t because I hate confrontation. I want to always be loved, and I have this fear that if I tell someone how I feel they won’t love me anymore. Telling people how I feel is not bad, or evil. If I cannot be honest with myself about how I feel I have zero chance of being honest with you. For this reason, I do the best I can to tell the truth.

As much as I may wish things were different, I have a choice. I can stay miserable or I can look at the bright side

The bright side is that I have health insurance for the first time in years. I have people in my life that I know will not hurt me. I am loved. I am strong, and sometimes I do cry. There is nothing wrong with that either.

Are you shy about letting your feelings out?

Life Is a Journey

Life is not a destination, it is a journey. The biggest point of this whole thing is not to die with the most stuff. The point is to be the best you can be. What good is living if all you do is live in a bubble and care about nothing or no one?

About a month ago, I got hit by a car in a crosswalk

As a result of that accident, I have two fractured skull bones and am confined in a neck brace. One of the worst things about this has been that my short term memory is now gone. Another truly unpleasant reality is that I seem to have lost my sense of smell. I can’t even smell the spring flowers that I love so much.

I can’t even smell the tulips, my favorite flower.

It is funny the things many of us take for granted in this life, such as our senses. We often think we will never lose something so basic, so we have no frame of reference if it goes. I was that way. I took my senses for granted, then I lost my sense of smell. I may never be able to smell the things I love ever again.

It is amazing how we suddenly react when we lose something we took for granted.

Life is not about what I am – it is about what am I doing. I do not sit and cry that I got hit by a car. It is not my favorite memory to be sure, but I am grateful I did not die. I am happy that I have been able to do things for myself by myself that I did not think I could do. For such a long time I was living life for others instead of for myself.

I am grateful to be alive. I know that I could have died that Tuesday morning

Nothing gets life in perspective faster than waking up in an ER and being airlifted by chopper to another hospital. I was scared to death but happy I was still alive. It was there in that hospital that I decided I would no longer live life by default. My mistakes would be my own. My successes would also be my own. I would not live to make others happy, I would live the best life I possibly could and I would help others any way possible.

The past month has been tough, but I have made huge progress

For the first time in a long time, I am calling the shots. I decide what to do with my day. I try to do the right things, and I don’t have to be criticized just for being my sometimes silly self. I am still scared and lonely some days, but those feelings do pass. I remind myself that I am alive and that things can only go up from here. They couldn’t get much worse.

Is your life a destination, or is it a journey?

Why Do You Do What You Do?

Why do you do what you do?

Do you do good deeds for attention, or do you do them because you care about a cause?

What makes you want to make the world a better place?

Lately, I have been wondering what motivates people. I have a few friends who are passionate about a few causes and do what they can to help those in need. To the best of my knowledge, they do not do these things for praise, they do them because they want to help make the world a better place. Their causes can be anything from helping battered women, saving animals from being killed, or helping the bombing victims in Boston.

One trait they all share is this – they would be doing the exact same stuff even if there was no Facebook, Twitter or Instagram to share this stuff on. They do it because they want to do it. These people do good acts because that is who they are.

There is a scary new trend out there – people doing good acts only for the publicity and the attention. These are the folks I worry about. They are the ones who show up at a cause for a day or so, but they do it for the photo op, or worse, they do it so word can get back to friends and family about how generous and kind they are.

Let us call a spade a spade shall we? If you care about a cause, show me don’t tell me. Do good acts and DON’T tell anyone! How about that? 

Why would I suggest such a thing?

Many years ago, I was all about me all the time. One of the tasks I was given was to do three random kind acts and not tell anyone what I did. If I told someone it did not count. The kind acts could be anything from helping an elderly person across a busy street to giving someone correct directions to their destination. The point of the exercise was to get me out of myself and thinking about others. The other point was that not every good act needs to be recorded or applauded.

Do you do good deeds because others are watching or because it is who you really are? 

Do You Mean What You Say?

Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Or have you spent your life lying not just to others but to yourself?

The three most overused words in the English language are “I love you”

Please, do not say these words to someone when you do not mean it. Taking what we say seriously means not wasting a person’s time. If I do not love someone, I do not tell them that. Love is a powerful emotion that can make our lives better. It can also screw things up if we are not honest with others or ourselves.

Telling someone you love them when you don’t is one of the most heartless things a person can do

There have been many relationships I have been in over the years where I knew I was not loved. The worst for me is being told I am loved and knowing it is a lie. I try my best not to lie to others. I do not say “I love you” to someone I do not love. For me, that is being a coward. It is hard to say to someone that you love someone or something more, but at least you are no longer living a lie.

Years ago, I dated someone who wanted to change every single thing about me. I told him to get lost. The truth is, many times I have been in relationships that were not right for whatever reason, and I did not have the courage to call things off.

Why stay with someone you don’t love? How cruel can you be?

It is unbelievably cruel to be in a relationship with someone you do not love. What is even worse is to keep that person around because they are comfortable, just like that old pair of sweats you refuse to get rid of even though they have holes everywhere. How many times have you heard a friend say that about a significant other? Oh, our relationship is “comfortable”

That right there is a coward talking. Comfortable is nice, but do you love the person?

If you don’t love them, because you have grown complacent do something about it. If you never loved the person in the first place, quit being a coward and let them find someone who will truly love them. That would be a real act of love.

Are you a coward, or do you tell the people in your life how much you love them?

Only Human

What do you do when you love someone? Do you show it, or do you keep it to yourself hoping that they know how you feel? I have to say that I often tried very hard to tell people I loved how much they meant to me. I also tried to show I loved them by trying to accept them flaws and all.

That was a mistake. Some flaws cannot be fixed by love.

I had this mistaken notion that if I loved someone enough, they would change for the better. It did not matter what the issue was, I always thought that if they did not change, it was somehow my fault. I had this errant thinking that always blamed me no matter how poorly I was being treated. I was the one who kept making excuses for why I was so unloved. 

I used to think I was evil because I was told every day that I was.

I am no saint, that is for sure, but I am not evil either. I am shockingly human. This means that I have good and bad points just like everybody else. There are things that are great about me, and there are things I need to work on. I can irritate the heck out of some folks while others love me.

Sound familiar? 

It seems I am no better or worse than anyone else. I mean, I am just another human trying to do what I think is right and sometimes screwing it up. I make good choices, and I also make stupid choices. I can make a mean pasta sauce, but please don’t ask me to sew. You will be highly disappointed. I guess I am just like everyone else after all.

Wait, I am not unique? I was sure no one was like me!

I am not that special or unique. I have good and bad. I am not the evil person I once thought I was, but I am also not a pushover. I have strengths just like everyone else. I also have weaknesses too. If you meet anyone who tells you they are perfect, run like hell in the opposite direction. One thing I know for sure is this – NO ONE is perfect. We all have flaws. We all have good points. Most important, we are all human.

Are you perfect and unique, or are you human?