Have you ever seen a person break down only to judge them as a train wreck? Have you ever been that train wreck yourself, yet think you should be able to have emotional outbursts whenever and wherever you happen to be at the time? We are all human, some of us are great at this thing called life, we are the solid rocks others look to and lean on when life gets tough.
So what happens when the tough ones break down? Who or what do they turn to when no one is around?
This is where things get tricky for me. For years, I have been self-reliant. I have had to take care of myself through good times and bad. I lived through highly abusive relationships and had precious few people to turn to. I was that train wreck. I was the one whose life was being judged harshly by others. I had no control over my situation at that time and things got progressively worse.
Things improved in my life once I cut all ties with toxic people. I no longer invite bullshit into my life. When I did that simple action, my entire life changed. The big success for me now is that a bad mood is no longer a day killer like it once was. It has taken a long time to accept that I have limitations on what I can handle. Nowadays, when things start to overwhelm me, I can stop the mood before it gets out of control.
When I first got in the accident, my emotions were all over the map. Today I can still have anger, depression and self-pity. The good news is they leave as fast as they arrive if I refuse to feed into them. This was my blind spot. I had this unreasonable expectation that I would be fine after suffering a skull fracture – and I wasn’t much to my dismay.
The truth is I am getting better all the time. I just don’t always notice it. Having depression and PTSD is no picnic. I do the best I can do with these conditions. I try to stay out of stressful situations. I know what I can handle and what I can’t. I also know that bad days are part of the package and I do my best not to beat myself up when they come.
I have had to learn new coping skills like taking time out, having a coffee, writing or listening to music. The biggest favor I have done for myself is realize I will never be perfect.
I am perfectly me and that is okay. Being me no longer sucks.