It took a while before I would speak at all about abuse. I was like so many others, too ashamed to admit what happened. I did not want to admit my husband had been cheating on me multiple times, and I certainly did not want to talk about the abuse.
I was censoring myself because it made others uncomfortable to hear about it. This is the worst kind of censorship there is. My friends and family did not want to hear the awful things he said to me, because that makes the abuse real. Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, make no mistake about it.
Everyday I was told what a lousy wife I was, what a failure as a mother I was and that I was not lovable. I can only speak freely about it now, five years later. It was too painful to talk about before then, besides I didn’t want to offend anyone or make anyone uncomfortable.
The thing about silencing yourself is that you run the risk of denying your own essential truth. I got to a point where I was no longer comfortable with being silent about what happened to me. The pain of being silent outweighed the pain of telling the truth. Once I began to free myself, I found out I was not alone.
I was busy using softer words to explain away severe verbal abuse and emotional cruelty. I was not telling the full story of how my husband would come home yelling about something, and that he began to throw things. I was so worried he would hit the baby. Yet I censored myself. It made others too uncomfortable to hear this, so I took critical details out of the story.
No more. I won’t be silent anymore. I will not let myself be run by fear anymore.
Are you still censoring yourself to please everyone?