Are You a Priority Or An Option?

The value of a relationship is in direct proportion to the time that you invest in the relationship. – Brian Tracy

We have all head the advice “never treat someone like a priority who treats you like an option” this is the single hardest piece of advice for me to take sometimes. I tend to make excuses for poor behavior, so I just say “he hasn’t seen me because he’s so busy” or “his job is really stressing him out right now” I have news for you – are you ready?

He’s just not that into you. I read this book and I love it. I do not make one cent if you buy it.

I know you didn’t want to hear that right? Tough. Its the truth, you know it, and so do I. We both know when we meet someone who is into us. They do whatever it takes to be with us. They call us at least once a day, just to say hi. When they have to cancel plans, they offer an alternative right away and are truly sorry to cancel on us.

The ones who treat us as options could not care less what we want. Our time gets canceled without a second thought. They want to see us, at 2 in the morning after a bar crawl with their buddies. Then they want to come over full of “I’m sorry I didn’t see you sooner.” or worse, professing their undying love.

Don’t buy it – will they still love you in the cold light of day once they sober up? I doubt it.

How do I know this? I fell for this, and similar one time too many. I have been that person trying to rationalize inexcusable behavior. I was the one blaming myself for not being sexy/pretty/smart enough to capture a man’s imagination.

It never occurred to me that he might just be THE WRONG MAN. That is way too simple. There has to be more to it, right?

Nope. I have learned this again and again, when you meet the right person, making them a priority is not hard. By no means am I suggesting shirking your responsibilities, or anything along those lines. What I am suggesting is that when you want to be with someone, you find time to see them. No, you make time. You make it happen because you want to.

So, are you still sitting around waiting for the phone to ring? I hope not. In the day of social media, email, unlimited text messaging, Skype and all the other ways to keep in touch, I sure hope you are not waiting around with baited breath for him to call you.

Because he is never going to.

Why would you want someone that treats you like an option when you can have someone who treats you like a priority?

16 thoughts on “Are You a Priority Or An Option?

  1. Applies to friendships too – it’s good advice, and I’ve never heard it worded just that way. I had a friend for years whom I treated as one of the people I’d “go to the wall for”, and yet I’d be lucky if she returned my calls.

    She was quite surprised when she got back in touch (after leaving town for a few years) to find out I just wasn’t interested in spending time with her again. I value myself more now, and my precious time is spent with people who I value, who value me in return.

    • Funny that you should mention friends. I had one of those too. Letting her go was one of the best things I ever did. I always had to call her, and she would ask me how I was without listening to the answer. She would then launch into a tirade about how hard her life was.

      Why would I not be interested in that?

      I value myself now much more too. My friends value me, and I value them. It works much better that way.

  2. Hey Nancy,

    I just loved this piece – I wish I had written it myself.
    Your opening quote reminds me of one of my favorites by NFL coach Tom Landry which says, ““The quality of a man’s life is indirect proportion to his commitment of excellence.” – Basically – the more you do or give, the more you get!

    And this piece touches in parts on my latest guest post that talks about settling for mediocrity. Because at the end of the day – accepting to be treated as an option is settling – simple as that!

    Thank you for writing this and for the reminder that expecting to be treated like you treat others – is NOT an Option! It’s a PRIORITY because each one of us should be a priority to someone or our significant others!

    The excuses you use to make for him – I’ve heard them many times before – even out of my own mouth ;). Maybe it’s because they make us feel better or they momentarily cover up our true thoughts allowing us to build a wall where we think we can’t get hurt if we know or accept the real truth. Does that make sense to you? I hope so lol.

    But it was only after I took a step back that I realized it was all bullocks most of the time. Sure, sometimes we are too busy or too tired or too XYZ – but like you said – in our day and age – contact/communications shouldn’t be too difficult. If the CEO of the world bank isn’t too busy and can make time for his wife, GF, whatever….then so can you!

    Hope you’re having a great week Nancy. In case I haven’t said it before or enough – I just love everything you’re putting out here and it’s such a pleasure reading your thoughts. They often ring true for many of us.

    Cheers to you my dear. May you always be happy and smiling and may you always be treated the way you deserve.

    • Hi Griddy,

      I am so glad you came! I had been wanting to write that post for a while. I was always the person making excuses for bad behavior. I used to hide behind excuses – because confronting someone may mean I have to swallow the truth.

      I prefer denying reality thank you very much. ;) I work very hard on constructing those walls.

      We all deserve to be treated as a priority and not as an option. The truth is, once you realize how badly you have been treated it really is not possible to go back. At least for me it is no longer possible, and that is a good thing.

  3. Kaylin Taylor says:

    This guy and I we both admitted that we like eachother. We talk literally all day everyday about everything. We planned on hanging out 3 times. All of them got cancelled because he says he has stuff to do. Anyway we FaceTime all the time.. And he’s told me that he talks to me and another girl. I told him that I feel like in competition with another girl like I’m an option and he said dont feel that way! With a kissy face… Idk… What to do… Am I an option? Or what

  4. I’ve just been journaling about this very situation, decided to run a Google search for “treats you like an option”, and found your post. I have a ton of excuses about why this is happening, but what it really comes down to is that I’ve been convenient and forgiving too many times, and now I’m done.

    Thank you for writing this. I didn’t like reading it, but that doesn’t affect the truth of it.

  5. justaboutfedup says:

    ladies, do not comitt to any guy before 3 months. Let my experience (below), show you why. people often show you who they really are within 3 months of dating someone. I have a question to ask everyone here. These guys who treat you like you are their option while you treat them like they are your priority, I can almost bet that in the first 4 weeks, they come real strong, possibly even told you how their x hurt them, told you everything you always wanted to hear, that they like you cause you are smart to. All the while, you seem to only be seeing them, when THEY have time, you are doing all the compromising and going along with their SUGGESTIONS. See these guys that make you their option, have groomed you to accepted. They baited you, hooked you, while keeping emotional distance from you, so they stay attached, while, you make them your priority and they can make you their option. Here is how my guy did it to me. He did all those things i mentioned but then not soon after, began to leave me waiting alot, cancelling at the last minute, barely saying sorry for a few insensitive things he has said, (this is in comparison to other women), when I decided to tell him I didn’t appreciate it, he would immediately back out of our scheduled date (that was schedule when it was convient for him). Then he would call claiming he missed me and need me. Once I went back, but then again he made me his option in many ways, including making me wait long periods of time again, and started taking what he call “retreats” although he don’t have a good job to afford one and never tell me where he is on this retreat. During these so called retreats, he only calls me at the same time at night and in the early morning, which lets me know he is on schedule of some kind. He also keeps his calls very quick and short. When I confronted him about this after ignoring his calls on purpose, seeing he was making me his option, he claimed he was sick with virus. The last time this happened, he claimed his cell was off. It magically came on the day he was suppose to come back and decide to see me. This second time I figured it out that. He sees me 2 days a week and another women 3 days a week at her house. Which is why he never ever can changed our scheduled dates and don’t tell me why. Also there was red flag, such as the last day I saw him and we had sex he says, “with all this sex, you make it so that I can’t have sex with another woman, even if I wanted to.” That was him worrying about whether he would be able to with the women he was suppose to see, the next 3 days. ladies start keeping track and keep a journal of yoru relationship and review it every two weeks, this will keep you from wasting time on someone who is not worth your time. When i look back at mine, here is what I see.

    1. Me waiting at least 2 hours a days for him, while we are together.
    2, always having to tolerate him, hugging on other women and staring at them for long periods of time and not introducing me to them when he talks and flirts with the ones he know. Him calling them baby and honey and me always by my nick name.
    3. He never apologizes if he hurts my feelings, NEVER.
    4. He expect me to do things in the bed for him, he won’t do for me.
    5. He is missing in action for 3 days and only makes a quick late night phone call and early morning phone call (never more than 5 minutes long) and he doesn’t say much,
    except try to schedule to see when he gets back. and he doesn’t work, besides wash cars sometime, so there is no excuse for this.
    6. He started spending all his money on weed and claiming broke, to the point wouldn’t even put gas in my car to come see him (and drive 45 minutes to see him, just to wait for him at his house without prior warning, for as much as two hours)
    7. Talks to his x on the cell when I’m there. About their old relationship. I have had to snatch phone and hang it up.
    8. Claiming he is going out of town for a month or more, just to kick it with friends and fam in another state (never bothered to offer me to go, til I complained).
    9. A woman who he spoke to without introducing me first, told him not and commented to me saying he is disrespecting me by doing that and she wants no part of that kind of behavior. She is a committed christian. She acted told him not to speak to her any more cause it was disrespectful. He called her a name (to me) and just laughed.
    10. I always catch him in lies about his past relationships. Such as him saying he was married before and he wasn’t. Him saying he was living with a girl who was his friend at first, but she was an actual prostitute he was with once and moved into his house.

    There has been other disrespectful things that I can’t even mention, cause it is to embarassing.

    So I’m waiting for him to come in town to sit down and tell him that it is over and that I won’t no contact from him again.
    he has some items of mine that I really need, like my sketch book, so I’m going to wait to get my stuff first.

    Today is his last day on fake retreat, so now he calls this morning and acts concerned about how I been.
    This is to get back on good terms with me, so he can see me on A friday like he likes and have sex.
    But I’m breaking up with him before Friday, this thursday when he comes back.

    I’m only glad I wasted only 3 and 1/2 months on this guy, and we got serious and committed after 2 months, I would be very upset with myself if this went on any longer.
    That is even too long in my book.

  6. yourstruly says:

    I have a supposedly boyfriend whom is deployed and last week I broke up with him because I’m tired of his bullshit! He tells me he wants to be with me and blah blah blah and I see him logged on fucking pof all the time! Like what the hell is he looking for? When I confront him he makes stupid excuses like oh I couldn’t have been in there I was busy at that time. Yea right!, oh and also I told him let’s both take down our profile and he refuses too do so! He even told me this: just know that I am not taking my profile down its better if you know this or else you will be miserable. That right there left me stupid and angry! So I broke up and now I feel like I am no longer an option.

  7. jess says:

    I dated this guy for like 8 months in high school and then for some reason we broke up. It was a good relationship but somehow it didn’t work out. We didn’t speak until months later and we started talking again but we had already graduated. Hes in college so he comes home a few times a months and we go on dates. We barely talk and I confronted him about our relationship and he told me he doesn’t want to commit since he can’t be physically with me. I really want to be with home but I feel like I want this more than him. He tells me he does want to fate me and has feelings for me but his actions don’t match his words. What do I do?

  8. claire says:

    I’m kind of in this situation with my husband. Don’t get me wrong he’s a great husband and father when he’s at home, but when he goes to work or on nights out its like he forgets he has us. He says he will be home at a certain time and I know to at least double that. There’s been 2 occasions where he hasn’t come home at all. He works as a bar manager in a very busy club and should normally be home around 3am. He will text at 2.45 to say he’s on his way and doesn’t come home for an hour or two later as he decided to have drinks with his colleagues. Or someone needed a lift/ or someone else was in need of his time. I work 2 jobs but still like to wait on him coming home cos often it’s the only time we spend together. But I will be so tired. I’ll be waiting on someone who says they will be home at 3, and they don’t come in until 5. To me that’s selfish when I could have went on to bed. Or a Simple “I’m running late” text would suffice. There have been other occasions when we have been out together and he’s got caught up In someone else’s drama and will leave me sitting at a table for hours alone. We’ve gone to countless weddings/social occasions and I spend most of the time sitting by myself. For 7 years I have cried to him, argued with him, tried so hard for him to see my point of view and he promises he will change, or on other occasions fights back and says I’m being irrational. I even asked him to go and stay with his dad for a few nights after a particular bad night when he was drunk, and came home 12 hours later. I had to call my father and then the police as he was extremely aggressive. Our marriage nearly ended after that, but he begged me to take him back and promised on his mothers grave he would change.
    My esteem, self worth and confidence is on the floor. I’ve told him this and he knows this and yet the same thing happened again last night. I feel I spend my time waiting around on him, and im last on his to do list. He doesn’t want to or can’t see where I’m coming from but I’m losing myself in fear and distrust of his word. I love him dearly and all I want is for him to put me first, and keep his word when he goes out, or at least call/ text to explain why he isn’t home. That would be enough for me, but it seems I’m forgotten about the second he goes out the door. Any advice to get him to see sense would be great? Or is it me that needs to see sense?

    • It sounds like you are at the bottom of his priority list. Perhaps talking to an attorney about your options might wake him up. Either way, you shouldn’t have to feel you are last on a long list.

      What would he think if you did that to him? I doubt he would like it.

      It almost sounds like he doesn’t care much about you. I hope you find it within yourself to put yourself first.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s